Beach Sloth gave me a mega-boost last time I was in Brooklyn.
I was trapped between humanity and ghost-y-ness, the only solution
being a cigarette, and the sloth came through. I don’t even think Beach
Sloth smokes, but he’s always carries cigarettes around with him in the
event that some supervillain in an altered state requires one. He’s a
good guy. And these were good cigarettes. We’re not talking about
Mavericks. Beach Sloth had Parliaments on tap. Beach Sloth keeps it
classy. [Overpriced = Classy] Thank You Beach Sloth
George
W. Bush II is causing a lot of people stress these days. Not me. He
might be an asshole, but I’ve gotta give his lineage credit. The Bushes
are rolling deep in some old school villainy, and if Dick “The Machine”
Cheney doesn’t have a lair on a volcanic island, I don’t understand the
world any more. Beach is right, I will provide everyone with a Buick Le
Sabre once I take over. The Le Sabres will be white and come with a free
pair of fuzzy dice and personalized airbrushed license plate. [I know a
guy that works at a carnival]
[Okay,
not so much ‘works’ as ‘hangs out behind the Ferris wheel taking grainy,
candid pictures of grown men holding funnel cakes.’ But that’s his
calling, who am I to argue with that? I was called to supervillainy.
Regardless of his fondness for man-on-funnel cake action, guy can get me
the hook up on airbrushing]
Little
Danson Man. Ted ‘Bridge’ Danson III. I didn’t make that up. Ted Danson’s
middle name really is ‘Bridge’. Or maybe that’s his underground
streetfighting name. The Bridge is bringing the beatdown. I pledge that
once I’m supreme overlord, I will bring ‘Bored to Death’ back. Not just
in 8 episode season. The new, revamped ‘Bored to Death will broadcast
new episodes every weekday, all year long. Soap opera style. You might
worry that daily ‘Bored to Death’ episodes will make the show get a
little stale. Well shut up, I’ve got the finer points of this plan
worked out. It will be ‘fresh to death.’
LK Shaw, our landlady at the Shabby Doll house, released a new little ebook ‘Measure my waist with a Measuring Tape in a car park on a hot day (and I will try not to write a poem about it)’.
I really loved this book. You should soak it in. Like an
anthropomorphic sponge hungry for quirky poetry ebooks by Canadians with
English accents. That’s an oddly specific need, and it doesn’t get
addressed much, but LK is here to fix it, you lovely little
sponge-people.
Buttercup is one of the
nicest people I’ve ever met via internet. He’s found the secret to being
nice. Don’t Give A Fuck. He’s turned that secret into an entire
philosophy, DGAFISM. It might sound too elaborate to even begin to
understand, but Buttercup has a nifty little guidebook
to help you on your journey to end all of your fuck giving. I heard
he’s branching out to selling the book and information packet [a $600
value] for $19.95 through 4AM infomercials on basic cable. But you’re
ahead of the curb, you can get this book [a $600 value] for free thanks
to the magical goodwill of Buttercup.
Beach Sloth submitted something to my unholy baby, MΣΔ✞ CΘNFΣ✞✞I. I
had this baby with 2 other bizarro freeks. I can’t give too much away,
but Beach Sloth’s submission might have just gone and changed the game
up. You could be a part of this. Send something to us. We want your
[anything you made]. And, yes, it will be stomach-turningly weird. Beach
Sloth and I can promise you that.
[And, Beach Sloth, your bling is straight off-season, bruuuh]
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