Beach Sloth had a big weekend. He had a birthday and a party based on that birthday.
The party shook the earth. Brooklyn will never be the same. Brooklyn
has seen just how party a sloth can get. Beach Sloth set the partying
standard for all future sloths. Maybe his kids will pick up his party
legacy. There’s still hope. I believe in the Beach Kids.
My
rule of the world is highly anticipated. I’ve hired Beach Sloth as my
official hypeman. He’s working the internet, getting the crowd pumped,
waiting for the overthrow. George W. Bush II is an ass. Don’t trust him.
If he’s ever on a ballot, and, unsure on which candidate to pick, you
considering giving him your vote, don’t. Write in Murdoch LaMarche.
Election may not be my ideal method of gaining control of the masses,
but you’ve gotta work with what you’ve got. But that’s only a last
resort.
Ted
Danson is a great guy. I might give him a position in my cabinet of
villainy. Have you seen him on CSI? He’s hilarious. I’m not a CSI fan,
but I watch it just to see Teddy Dans. Bored to Death was good, too.
Beach Sloth and I have eerily similar taste. If I wasn’t aware of my
true identity, I might think that I am Tyler Durden to Beach Sloth’s
Edward Norton. He’d definitely be Edward Norton in this scenario.
They’re both good guys. I’m definitely giving off more of the Tyler
Durden vibe. Sure I’m a supervillain, but I can still use my villainy to
help people. Not the standard M.O. of villains, but I’ll defy a
convention. Breakin’ rules. That’s what being a supervillain is about.
Seriously, how great would Ted Danson have been as every character in
Fight Club. Really great. That’s how great.
Buttercup, LK, Beach Sloth and I are all in the newest Shabby Doll House. It’s pretty groundbreaking, and I feel qualified to make such a statement; I’m a shabby doll. Beach Sloth even covered it on his world renowned blogspot. I won’t get into all the dirty details, but this edition has bodies, sporks, drugs, gay porn, and New York on deck. That’s some high quality subject matter. (The illustrations are fantastic too)
Buttercup
had to take a break from fighting the chili to make hypnotizing gifs to
go along with his piece. They’re highly effective. He wiggled his way
into my subconscious and convinced me to send him $5 to buy more
cigarettes. Bcup and I are both avid cigarette consumers. We like to eat
while we smoke because we are the Kings of Trash. Buttercup has been
quoted admitting that his ideal state would be
“colors-of-benetton-american-apparel-and-vintage-leather-only 'dress
really nice' and like, idk some really expensive italian glasses but
eating like cookie monster and smoking like a hooker in the 60s.” That’s
the dream, Buttercup. That’s the dream.
Toronto
is a city. I’ve never been there. I hear it’s ‘bustling’ ‘innocuous’
‘Canadian’ and ‘a destination.’ All of those make Toronto seem like a
wonderful city. But LK Shaw had to head to New York. She’s very busy.
She’s getting her skrilla up. Other Canadians are ‘hatin’ because LK, as
she puts it, ‘stacks paper to the ceiling and floats on 20” chrome.’
Rooms in the Shabby Doll House aren’t free. Some people pay in words,
others help finance all those paper stacks and chrome. LK played songs
for Beach Sloth at his birthday bash. They were beautiful. I wish I
could admit whether or not I was there to witness them firsthand.
Did you miss Beach’s birthday bash? You know what would make up for it? Buying ‘I Want to YouTube Down the Rivers of America’
for the low, low price of $9. Beach Sloth lives in increments of $9.
All sloths do. That’s just how they get down. But, sometimes, $9 just
isn’t enough. The man has sloth-kids to feed. Buy his shirts.
And while you’re throwing out free money, give some to Buttercup and
LK. I may be a supervillain, but I’m a supervillain with a heart of
gold. I am ‘The Super Boost Villain.’
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Velocitractor Beauregard, Feözsz Zszöef, and I are MΣΔ✞ CΘNFΣ✞✞I. We’re accepting submissions for the first issue through August 31. Full call for submissions is here. Get weird.
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