Coverage of Beach Sloth's Coverage of My Coverage of Beach Sloth's Coverage of My Coverage of Beach Sloth’s Coverage of My Coverage of Beach Sloth’s coverage of ‘2AM Interview: Buttercup and LK’

Beach Sloth gave me a mega-boost last time I was in Brooklyn. I was trapped between humanity and ghost-y-ness, the only solution being a cigarette, and the sloth came through. I don’t even think Beach Sloth smokes, but he’s always carries cigarettes around with him in the event that some supervillain in an altered state requires one. He’s a good guy. And these were good cigarettes. We’re not talking about Mavericks. Beach Sloth had Parliaments on tap. Beach Sloth keeps it classy. [Overpriced = Classy] Thank You Beach Sloth

George W. Bush II is causing a lot of people stress these days. Not me. He might be an asshole, but I’ve gotta give his lineage credit. The Bushes are rolling deep in some old school villainy, and if Dick “The Machine” Cheney doesn’t have a lair on a volcanic island, I don’t understand the world any more. Beach is right, I will provide everyone with a Buick Le Sabre once I take over. The Le Sabres will be white and come with a free pair of fuzzy dice and personalized airbrushed license plate. [I know a guy that works at a carnival]

[Okay, not so much ‘works’ as ‘hangs out behind the Ferris wheel taking grainy, candid pictures of grown men holding funnel cakes.’ But that’s his calling, who am I to argue with that? I was called to supervillainy. Regardless of his fondness for man-on-funnel cake action, guy can get me the hook up on airbrushing]

Little Danson Man. Ted ‘Bridge’ Danson III. I didn’t make that up. Ted Danson’s middle name really is ‘Bridge’. Or maybe that’s his underground streetfighting name. The Bridge is bringing the beatdown. I pledge that once I’m supreme overlord, I will bring ‘Bored to Death’ back. Not just in 8 episode season. The new, revamped ‘Bored to Death will broadcast new episodes every weekday, all year long. Soap opera style. You might worry that daily ‘Bored to Death’ episodes will make the show get a little stale. Well shut up, I’ve got the finer points of this plan worked out. It will be ‘fresh to death.’

LK Shaw, our landlady at the Shabby Doll house, released a new little ebook ‘Measure my waist with a Measuring Tape in a car park on a hot day (and I will try not to write a poem about it)’. I really loved this book. You should soak it in. Like an anthropomorphic sponge hungry for quirky poetry ebooks by Canadians with English accents. That’s an oddly specific need, and it doesn’t get addressed much, but LK is here to fix it, you lovely little sponge-people.

Buttercup is one of the nicest people I’ve ever met via internet. He’s found the secret to being nice. Don’t Give A Fuck. He’s turned that secret into an entire philosophy, DGAFISM. It might sound too elaborate to even begin to understand, but Buttercup has a nifty little guidebook to help you on your journey to end all of your fuck giving. I heard he’s branching out to selling the book and information packet [a $600 value] for $19.95 through 4AM infomercials on basic cable. But you’re ahead of the curb, you can get this book [a $600 value] for free thanks to the magical goodwill of Buttercup.
           
Beach Sloth submitted something to my unholy baby, MΣΔ✞ CΘNFΣ✞✞I. I had this baby with 2 other bizarro freeks. I can’t give too much away, but Beach Sloth’s submission might have just gone and changed the game up. You could be a part of this. Send something to us. We want your [anything you made]. And, yes, it will be stomach-turningly weird. Beach Sloth and I can promise you that.

[And, Beach Sloth, your bling is straight off-season, bruuuh]

Coverage of Beach Sloth’s Coverage of My Coverage of Beach Sloth’s Coverage of My Coverage of Beach Sloth’s Coverage of My Coverage of Beach Sloth’s coverage of ‘2AM Interview: Buttercup and LK’

Beach Sloth had a big weekend. He had a birthday and a party based on that birthday. The party shook the earth. Brooklyn will never be the same. Brooklyn has seen just how party a sloth can get. Beach Sloth set the partying standard for all future sloths. Maybe his kids will pick up his party legacy. There’s still hope. I believe in the Beach Kids.

My rule of the world is highly anticipated. I’ve hired Beach Sloth as my official hypeman. He’s working the internet, getting the crowd pumped, waiting for the overthrow. George W. Bush II is an ass. Don’t trust him. If he’s ever on a ballot, and, unsure on which candidate to pick, you considering giving him your vote, don’t. Write in Murdoch LaMarche. Election may not be my ideal method of gaining control of the masses, but you’ve gotta work with what you’ve got. But that’s only a last resort.

Ted Danson is a great guy. I might give him a position in my cabinet of villainy. Have you seen him on CSI? He’s hilarious. I’m not a CSI fan, but I watch it just to see Teddy Dans. Bored to Death was good, too.  Beach Sloth and I have eerily similar taste. If I wasn’t aware of my true identity, I might think that I am Tyler Durden to Beach Sloth’s Edward Norton. He’d definitely be Edward Norton in this scenario. They’re both good guys. I’m definitely giving off more of the Tyler Durden vibe. Sure I’m a supervillain, but I can still use my villainy to help people. Not the standard M.O. of villains, but I’ll defy a convention. Breakin’ rules. That’s what being a supervillain is about. Seriously, how great would Ted Danson have been as every character in Fight Club. Really great. That’s how great.

Buttercup, LK, Beach Sloth and I are all in the newest Shabby Doll House. It’s pretty groundbreaking, and I feel qualified to make such a statement; I’m a shabby doll. Beach Sloth even covered it on his world renowned blogspot. I won’t get into all the dirty details, but this edition has bodies, sporks, drugs, gay porn, and New York on deck. That’s some high quality subject matter. (The illustrations are fantastic too)

Buttercup had to take a break from fighting the chili to make hypnotizing gifs to go along with his piece. They’re highly effective. He wiggled his way into my subconscious and convinced me to send him $5 to buy more cigarettes. Bcup and I are both avid cigarette consumers. We like to eat while we smoke because we are the Kings of Trash. Buttercup has been quoted admitting that his ideal state would be “colors-of-benetton-american-apparel-and-vintage-leather-only 'dress really nice' and like, idk some really expensive italian glasses but eating like cookie monster and smoking like a hooker in the 60s.” That’s the dream, Buttercup. That’s the dream.

Toronto is a city. I’ve never been there. I hear it’s ‘bustling’ ‘innocuous’ ‘Canadian’ and ‘a destination.’ All of those make Toronto seem like a wonderful city. But LK Shaw had to head to New York. She’s very busy. She’s getting her skrilla up. Other Canadians are ‘hatin’ because LK, as she puts it, ‘stacks paper to the ceiling and floats on 20” chrome.’ Rooms in the Shabby Doll House aren’t free. Some people pay in words, others help finance all those paper stacks and chrome. LK played songs for Beach Sloth at his birthday bash. They were beautiful. I wish I could admit whether or not I was there to witness them firsthand.

Did you miss Beach’s birthday bash? You know what would make up for it? Buying ‘I Want to YouTube Down the Rivers of America’ for the low, low price of $9. Beach Sloth lives in increments of $9. All sloths do. That’s just how they get down. But, sometimes, $9 just isn’t enough. The man has sloth-kids to feed. Buy his shirts. And while you’re throwing out free money, give some to Buttercup and LK. I may be a supervillain, but I’m a supervillain with a heart of gold. I am ‘The Super Boost Villain.’

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Velocitractor Beauregard, Feözsz Zszöef, and I are MΣΔ✞ CΘNFΣ✞✞I. We’re accepting submissions for the first issue through August 31. Full call for submissions is here. Get weird.
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