Beach Sloth
and I are both firm believers in the power of online anonymity. But
Beach Sloth has a slightly less rigid adherence to its tenets. I am a
cyberghost. I exist in the kerning of alt lit. No one has ever seen
Murdoch LaMarche in person. Someday in the future someone most likely
will. Anything that can happen probably will happen. A private
investigator could probably unearth my true identity, and one brave soul
has set up a fund to hire one to get to the bottom of this. His name is
Beach Sloth and if you make a nominal donation to the “Find Murdoch’s True Identity Fund”
via paypal, he’ll send you a copy of his lovely chapbook. He has
assured me that all proceeds are going to this worthy cause. (None of
that is necessarily “true”, but you should buy his book anyway.)
But this is not a manifesto about my most secret of identities or a fundraising drive, this is coverage of Beach Sloth’s coverage of my coverage of Beach Sloth’s coverage of “2AM Interview: Buttercup and LK”. Beach Sloth was glum regarding his lack of online coverage, and I, being his confederate in confidentiality, sensed his chagrin, and filled that void. In addition to ‘I want to YouTube down the Rivers of America’ devouring his time and energy, Beach Sloth is far too humble to write something as self-serving as coverage of himself. Despite my general goals of supervillainy, I saw a golden opportunity to kick him a little boost.
Alt lit is in dire need of accents. Accents breed legitimacy. Alt lit’s in the process of acquiring a wider array of accents, including Mongolian. The Mongolians are working on their cementing their national brand right now, but that’ll be done soon. Prepare yourselves for an onslaught of Mongolian chapbooks.
Currently there is hearsay that Buttercup is amassing an army to overthrow the chokehold chili has on humanity. Buttercup is a very busy man. It’s not easy having to explain the origin of your name to every person you’re introduced to, but Buttercup rises to the challenge. With so many conflicting explanations for this name floating around it’s hard to determine which is true. Well I followed the leads, I called in some favors to a few dirty cops, and I got to the bottom of this mystery. Now, please remember, this information is strictly on the “DL” but before become the internet phenom he is today, Mr. McGillicuddy was a member of the crime-fighting trio The Powerpuff Girls. Along with his sisters, Blossom and Bubbles, Buttercup dished out the ass kicking daily. Buttercup had a split with the other Powerpuffs due to creative differences, and completely rebranded himself, but kept his name so he would never forget his Powerpuff roots. Powerpuff roots are the strongest kind fo roots.
LK Shaw has her own dark hidden past. After her long run as the star of I Love Lucy, she went into the rap game. Yes, that’s right. The LK actually stands for Lil Kim. Shaw is obviously short for Shawty. But like Buttercup, the game got to be too much so she fled the spotlight and rebranded. LK and Buttercup are masters of rebranding. Was LK involved in killing Biggie? Probably. I’m not saying she pulled the trigger necessarily, but…she probably did. I cashed out on favors with dirty cops investigating Buttercup, so I couldn’t dig deeper into this conspiracy, but I’m certain the evidence is there. Somewhere.
Miller High Life is the Champagne of Beers. Alt lit is the Champagne of Literature. Next time you’re reading some alt lit, break out a 40 of the High Life and you’ll truly be living the high lief. But remember to pour some out and shed a single tear for all the cockboys Steve Roggenbuck has lost while on his quest to LIVE MY [miller high] LIEF.
Alt lit is full of URL anthropomorphic creatures. Contrary to popular belief I am not an anthropomorphized creature capable of using the internet. I am a supervillain. The gazelle is pure misdirection. The wide array of nonhuman URL presences keeps things interesting. Beach Sloth calls out Sea Cheetah. Recently rumors in the alt lit circles have been circulating of a pay-per view death match between these two nemeses. My money’s on the Sloth. I forsee a Tortoise&Hare/Ali&Foreman crossover with Beach Sloth riding the slow and steady ropeadope train to victory junction, all the while protected by the armor of his Twitter ratio.
But this is not a manifesto about my most secret of identities or a fundraising drive, this is coverage of Beach Sloth’s coverage of my coverage of Beach Sloth’s coverage of “2AM Interview: Buttercup and LK”. Beach Sloth was glum regarding his lack of online coverage, and I, being his confederate in confidentiality, sensed his chagrin, and filled that void. In addition to ‘I want to YouTube down the Rivers of America’ devouring his time and energy, Beach Sloth is far too humble to write something as self-serving as coverage of himself. Despite my general goals of supervillainy, I saw a golden opportunity to kick him a little boost.
Alt lit is in dire need of accents. Accents breed legitimacy. Alt lit’s in the process of acquiring a wider array of accents, including Mongolian. The Mongolians are working on their cementing their national brand right now, but that’ll be done soon. Prepare yourselves for an onslaught of Mongolian chapbooks.
Currently there is hearsay that Buttercup is amassing an army to overthrow the chokehold chili has on humanity. Buttercup is a very busy man. It’s not easy having to explain the origin of your name to every person you’re introduced to, but Buttercup rises to the challenge. With so many conflicting explanations for this name floating around it’s hard to determine which is true. Well I followed the leads, I called in some favors to a few dirty cops, and I got to the bottom of this mystery. Now, please remember, this information is strictly on the “DL” but before become the internet phenom he is today, Mr. McGillicuddy was a member of the crime-fighting trio The Powerpuff Girls. Along with his sisters, Blossom and Bubbles, Buttercup dished out the ass kicking daily. Buttercup had a split with the other Powerpuffs due to creative differences, and completely rebranded himself, but kept his name so he would never forget his Powerpuff roots. Powerpuff roots are the strongest kind fo roots.
LK Shaw has her own dark hidden past. After her long run as the star of I Love Lucy, she went into the rap game. Yes, that’s right. The LK actually stands for Lil Kim. Shaw is obviously short for Shawty. But like Buttercup, the game got to be too much so she fled the spotlight and rebranded. LK and Buttercup are masters of rebranding. Was LK involved in killing Biggie? Probably. I’m not saying she pulled the trigger necessarily, but…she probably did. I cashed out on favors with dirty cops investigating Buttercup, so I couldn’t dig deeper into this conspiracy, but I’m certain the evidence is there. Somewhere.
Miller High Life is the Champagne of Beers. Alt lit is the Champagne of Literature. Next time you’re reading some alt lit, break out a 40 of the High Life and you’ll truly be living the high lief. But remember to pour some out and shed a single tear for all the cockboys Steve Roggenbuck has lost while on his quest to LIVE MY [miller high] LIEF.
Alt lit is full of URL anthropomorphic creatures. Contrary to popular belief I am not an anthropomorphized creature capable of using the internet. I am a supervillain. The gazelle is pure misdirection. The wide array of nonhuman URL presences keeps things interesting. Beach Sloth calls out Sea Cheetah. Recently rumors in the alt lit circles have been circulating of a pay-per view death match between these two nemeses. My money’s on the Sloth. I forsee a Tortoise&Hare/Ali&Foreman crossover with Beach Sloth riding the slow and steady ropeadope train to victory junction, all the while protected by the armor of his Twitter ratio.
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